i dont want to die i just want to disappear.
i just want to give up on my transition and become the conventionally attractive female i was in highschool again, just so i can be pretty enough to get a webcam porn job. thats how desperate i am for money. cus people sure as hell dont buy my art.
and did i mention that i missed my period this month
i havent even paid rent yet and its due today. and theres an online paying system where it takes 3 days to process and i havent done that yet. so my rent will be late.
silly text posts aside, i wish i could make easy money being a webcam model or a famous blogger. like i wish it so much that im honestly spiraling into depression that i’m not conventionally attractive, talented, or interesting enough to do either of those things, and that i will be working fast food jobs for the rest of my life, standing in one place for hours on end, doing the same two menial tasks over and over, getting covered in a layer of fry grease, steam, fry oil , and raw meat juices, just standing there, standing there, standing there and never making enough money, and having to show up and act fake, act fake, act fake, act fake, act fake and never making enough money with people saying “you could do more! you could go to a trade school!” and just knowing how wrong they are because you know how terrible you are with school and how you barely passed high school, and just standing there and standing there and standing there and standing there and standing there as each second becomes a minute becomes an hour and ticks away on the clock in slow motion like its melting, and everything and everyone is melting, and you are melting, and instead of slapping more raw meat patties onto the grill you’re thinking again if you could get over how many people would miss you if you were gone forever, and instead of putting down another basket of fries you’re thinking again if maybe there is a chance you could get a different job with different tortures, and lunch break isn’t long enough, instead of sitting here wolfing down a sandwich as fast as i can, instead of calling in pretending to be sick so i can stay home and not earn money, just for the sake of being in a comfortable place, purely just to not be present, i could be enjoying a cup of tea and a meal ive meticulously prepared, sitting naked infront of my laptop while thousands pay to look at my tits, being comfortable and safe and real.
continue straight head on Washington 167N to WA410 towards Sumner/Yakima, exit on the right to descend into Hell
when you type ‘mapos’ instead of ‘maps’